What am I doing
So I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and wondering what the hell I want to do with my life. Yet I still have no answers. At the beginning of this year I started my own website, it is dedicated to the music journalism work that I like doing. Now I am starting to sort of regret it. It has been a real eye opener for me. I am starting to not enjoy it one bit. But if I don’t want to do that then what do I want.
I have been looking for internships and this is why this has been bugging me. I’m not sure what kind of internship to apply to now. I was initially going to go for music magazines, or magazines that have a music section I could write for. But now it seems like if I do that I will be just as tortured as any other job. The whole point of school and everything I do was to get into a area that I love. If I feel tortured every time I think about writing an album review how will I get through it for the rest of my life.
I also have started working as the music editor for a local student run magazine. This work seems so much more satisfying. I like being able to reach out to public relations and such to get albums for others to review. I also enjoy the editing process so much more than the writing process. Unfortunately, I know no matter where I end up in magazines I will one have to start at the bottom and two will still have to write certain things myself.
So this leaves me with several questions. Do I continue with working in music journalism? Do I pursue my other interest? If so what?
Lifes little lesson for Monday
Yesterday, I was really in a funky mood. I woke up later than I wanted to, so I stayed in bed being lazy. Just felt like lying around. It didn’t help that I hadn’t really gotten anything done in a couple days. I basically wasted my time, by hanging out, and my money . Not that I didn’t enjoy it or feel like I needed it but I just couldn’t get myself back into a working state of mind. So after I finally got up, sitting in front of my computer I just couldn’t think of one thing I wanted to do. Then I get a text to go hang out with a friend. I did want to go hang out because it’s not like I was being productive. But then I thought about the money issue and if I did go anywhere then I would be upset the next day because again I had gotten nothing done and I would be completely broke.
So as I sat there contemplating what to do I went through my choices.
1. I could get right back into the bed and wait for the day to be over and just start all over tomorrow hoping it would be a better day.
2. I could go hang out and spend the last of my money. I could also hope that hanging out would put me in a better mood and that at least I would have had some fun before I tried starting over again tomorrow.
Or I could do the smartest thing. Just try to work through it and force myself to do something, anything. I thought for a minute and pulled out the easiest thing I could possible do. Take out a journal and just write about how I felt. I just sat and wrote out the whole ordeal, it came out real easily once I began. About half way through it I was already feeling better. I’m not sure how long I wrote but it was about two pages. I stopped to eat and do a couple of other things in between but kept going back. (I tend to always multi-task once I get motivated) But by the time I wrote the last paragraph I felt totally better. I did still get back into bed but with different intentions.
I was just going to do a little mini restart of the day. Instead of getting in the bed and staying there until the next morning I was going to take a little mini nap and get up later to get some stuff done at night. I did get in bed but never up taking the nap. Eventually, I got some work done later in the night after watching a little television.
Whether or not I did get anything done though was besides the point. Writing my way out of my funky mood made me remember why I began writing in the first place. The writing experience has always been very cathartic for me. It was the easiest and most natural outlet for me to channel my energy into. Over the years I’ve lost my enthusiasm for writing. Well actually the better way to put it is I lost the momentum I once used to have. At some points life’s distractions took over. At other times it just started to feel too much like an obligation. With attempting to turn my passion and something that I did purely for fun into a legitimate career I had to write things I didn’t always enjoy, so it became forced. But while I was writing the journal entry it just all flowed out of me, it wasn’t forced and the more I wrote the better I felt. I just realized this is a sign that I’ve got to work out a new routine. I have to do more of that natural, fun writing so I don’t get that burn out from just churning out work.
I have to find a balance so that I don’t forget again that I actually do enjoy writing.
Hello 2011
So as I’ve said before I don’t do new year’s resolutions, but I do like to at least make a nice list of goals I would like to accomplish for the year. Unfortunately, last year I started one but never finished and to make it even better I can’t even find it. This year I am not only going to make sure I get the list done. I’m posting online for to ensure a certain level of accountability and I will know exactly where to find it at the end of the year.
Goals for 2011
- Write everyday.
- Get my website up and running.
- Attend networking events.
- Organize my picture files.
- Edit poetry collection.
- Experiment with photo-editing everyday.
- Read at least 5 books on writing.
- Post something new online once a week.
- Update the website once a week.
Can’t wait to see at the end of the year how many of these I was able to stick to or accomplish.
Short Update
I know this blog has been pretty stagnant lately. It’s just not as easy as some people make it seem. With no editor I don’t have anybody assigning me stories. I also don’t have anybody to answer to if I don’t meet a deadline. I have several drafts waiting for me to go back and edit to publishing quality. I am an extreme perfectionist and would rather put nothing up than something sub par. I have seen blogs with simple misspellings and grammatical errors, it makes me sick. And the most important problem I find is that I just don’t have the time with school, work or looking for work, other writing projects and trying to live life.
However, the motivation behind starting the blog was to keep me writing on a fairly regular basis. I do get to do this with all the other work so I don’t feel that bad. As a matter of a fact I just got a new writing gig. As of today, my birthday, I will be writing album reviews for the website M is For Music. My first review was for the new band Baptized in Blood and you can read it here. I do hope to add more post to Last Words and I am considering creating a whole website. But for now I’m just happy that I’m still writing and enjoying it. (usually)
Life’s pretty hard
If you look at the past posts, you’ll notice I have not been the best at posting blogs frequently. For example the worst I think has been the past six months. I can’t seem to find the time to get everything done. I started school again and that was a large distraction but at the same time I also just slacked off.
Its truthfully because life is hard. You don’t always get to do what you want. We all have a plan for how we want or think things will go but that may not happen. Life takes you on some detours and you have to kind of just go with it and hope that it takes you somewhere good in the end. I have been on many of these little detours and even some not so little ones. I’ve learned that sometimes you have to change the plan. It helps a lot to be a it flexible or else you may end up just stuck.
I recently did let myself get stuck, but I’m getting things back on track and tweaking my plans. In keeping with this change, there may be some changes to this blog. I’m not sure yet where I will head but I one thing is for sure. I will be posting a lot more often. Only god can know what those post will be at this point but they will go up. I just hope somebody will enjoy reading them as much as I will hopefully enjoy writing them.
Physical and mental writing blocks
I have a life pretty much filled with clutter. This is as much mental as it is physical. I have recently come to the realization that this clutter has become a hurtle to overcome when it comes to my writing. I’m sure some of this will sound familiar to others. Here’s a fun little list of things that stand in my way.
Physical clutter
- Notebooks upon notebooks half full of writing, ideas and half done poems that I would love to be able to go through to get some inspiration.
- Scraps of paper poem lines, short story ideas, scenes, and random dialog.
- Folders full of school papers that should be edited to use for publication.
- Then there are the piles of random other junk. At the moment my bedroom looks like a tornado just passed through.
Mental Clutter
- First thing in the morning my mind get filled with the redundant task of everyday like, check email, shower, myspace, howework, work, etc.
- In the back of my mind I’m always questioning how I’m going to get my bills paid.
- Right after that I begin the worry of needing to find a decent paying job. Keeping in mind that I would like it to be a job that I actually like.
While all that runs through my mind I still have all the other worries that I’m pretty sure every other person in their 20′s has. I do have periods of time where I am able to push everything aside and get some writing done. But it seems to be getting harder and harder lately.
It would be great to hear if anybody else has these same issues. It would also be great to get some advice on how to deal with it.
